In the library with a lead pipe? Noxious fumes in the pits? Pushed into the waters at Monaco? Former F1 driver Eddie Irvine has confidently asserted that Lewis Hamilton is planning to murder Jenson Button this year, but he hasn't revealed the expected modus operandi.
You'd hope that a man with evidence of premeditated murder would contact Scotland Yard before speaking to the press, but maybe it's different for the rich and famous.
Assuming that Lewis isn't a hotbed of murderous rage – he always seems so well-mannered and calm – Irvine's statements would appear to apply to the track, not to any far-fetched Cluedo spoof. And thank goodness for small mercies – 2009 was scandalous enough for our beloved sport. We don't need to up the ante for 2010.
In an interview with ESPN earlier this week, former Ferrari driver Eddie Irvine questioned the wisdom of the current champion's decision to leave the team that took him to his first title in a decade of Formula 1. “Jenson has entered the lion's den. It was madness of him to move [to McLaren]. He thinks he's going to be able to eat his steak, and that's not going to be the case – I think he's going to get murdered. It's the worst decision he could have made.”
Irvine does not have a reputation for subtlety or obfuscation – the man was known as a straight-talker throughout his F1 career. Despite leaving the circus in 2002, he can still be relied upon for a newsworthy soundbite or two, something journalists take full advantage of to this day. The latest ESPN interview offered a number of gems, accurate or no.
Button's decision to move to McLaren was greeted with surprise when first announced. Even hardened supporters of the Frome Flyer questioned the wisdom of his going head-to-head with one of the grid's greatest talents in identical equipment. Mutterings quickly began apace that Jenson had elected to move because it would be less embarrassing for him to be beaten by acknowledged superstar and fellow champion Hamilton than by new Brawn signing Nico Rosberg.
Irvine has restoked that fire, stating: “The only reason I can think of is that he didn't want to stay at Brawn with Rosberg, who's not as highly rated as Lewis but might be just as quick. Jenson may have thought that it's better to get beaten by Lewis than get beaten by Nico.”
The past few months have seen an endless debate on the worthiness of Button's title. Stripped to its bare bones, the argument seems empty – surely the driver with the most points at the end of the season (as Jenson undoubtedly was) is the worthy title holder? But not in F1, oh no. He won because the FIA allowed Brawn to cheat with a double diffuser so that the team would stay in the sport for the 2009 season. Or he won because Honda invested all that money into the 2009 car back in the dawns of time. Conveniently forgetting that Honda invested a lot of money into other cars that wouldn't recognise a championship if they found themselves driving in one.
There is an argument for saying that Button's 2009 season was a form of kismet, a perfect moment where the fates and stars aligned to give the Somerset driver his one big chance – the right car underneath him, the right team behind him, and a crucial development step in front of the other teams. After all, the difference between 2009 and the rest of Jenson's career is so marked it's as if a Fairy Godmother appeared at winter testing with a pumpkin and a magic wand, causing midnight to fall as the teams were leaving Turkey. Much like Cinderella lost her prince at midnight, only to find him again at the eleventh hour, so did Button watch his championship grow ever less certain before clinching it with a magnificent drive in Brazil.
Eddie Irvine emphasised the point, although without reference to fairy tales. “Rubens Barrichello is a good little peddler and murdered Jenson in the second half of last season. Michael never got murdered by anyone. Lewis came into his first year in F1 and beat a double world champion in Fernando Alonso – that's a class act. If you look at Jenson's career, Ralf Schumacher beat him, Giancarlo Fisichella beat him and Rubens beat him. There are too many races where he hasn't performed to say he's at the level of any of those guys.”
World Champion Button seems to have relished the comments, and told the media the assumption he would fare badly against Lewis only made his job easier. “I'm in a more relaxed position than if people were telling me I'm going to destroy my team-mate. I can just focus on doing the best job I can, getting the best out of myself and getting the best out of the team. I don't think it's a negative thing. It helps you relax and just focus on the important stuff which, for me anyway, is not really newspapers. It's to concentrate on improving the car and improving myself.”
The accuracy of Irvine's comments will be established as the season progresses. If McLaren make mistakes with the development of the MP4-25, it might well be that Jenson and Lewis team up to murder the designers at Woking. Assuming all is well with the car, I think we should all keep an eye on Lewis at race weekends. If he's spotted walking down the grid with a candlestick in his hand and a glint in his eye, Jenson might want to start getting nervous...
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