Jannie a rookie police officer was out for his first ride in an official police van with an experienced partner.
A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.They drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
Jannie rolled down his window and said,
“Please, let’s get off the corner people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again,
“People please, let’s get off that corner . . . NOW!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Jannie now real proud of his first official act as a young policeman turned to his partner and asked,
“Well, so how did I do?”
“Pretty good,” chuckled his partner, “especially since this is a bus stop.”
***********
A South African was sitting with an Aussie and an Englishman in a house of ill repute when the police bust in and arrested them. They were initially given the death sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it was a holiday weekend, the King decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the King suddenly said “It’s my third wife’s birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you can not wish to not be whipped!”
The Englishman thought for a second then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping.” This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Englishman cried in pain. The Aussie saw this and said: “Please tie 2 pillows to my back before whipping.” This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes. The Aussie stood up smiling.
The South African saw this but before he could make his wish, the King said: “As you are from South Africa with all that crime, a cricket team which is always losing in a final and a rugby team which can’t win anything, you are permitted to have two wishes!” The South African thought for a second, then said: “Thank you your Royal Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available.” “If you so desire,” the King replied with a questioning look on his face, “and your second wish?” “Tie the Aussie to my back” replied the South African !
***********
Hospital charts
1.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Jan and Becky an elderly couple had dinner at there friends house Leon and Rose another elderly couple, after eating the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking,
Leon: -* “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, they had the most delicious Springbok beefs. I would recommend it very highly.”
Jan: “What´s the name of the restaurant?”
Leon knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to Jan,
-* “Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
Jan : -* “A Carnation?”
Leon: -* “Nie. The other one”
Jan offers another suggestion, -* “The Poppy?”
“Nahhhh,” growls Leon, “You know the one that is red and has thorns.”
Jan: -* “Ah, Do you mean a rose?”
Leon: -* “Yes, Ja that´s it. Thank you!”
Leon then turns toward the kitchen and yells,
-* “Rose darling, what´s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
This is Africa
Here are some signs that you won´t find anywhere else in the world except in Africa.
In a restaurant in Zambia: “Open seven days a week and weekends.”
On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: “No trespassing without permission.”
On a window of a Nigerian shop: “Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?”
On a poster in Ghana: “Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help.”
In a hotel in Mozambique: “Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00am daily.”
On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: “Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable.”
In a Zimbabwean restaurant: “Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.”
A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet: “Risk of electric shock - Do not activate with wet hands.”
In a Botswana jewellery shop: “Ears pierced while you wait.”
On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leonne hospital: “Mental Health Prevention Centre.”
In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: “No children allowed!”
In a cemetery in Uganda: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
In a Malawi hotel: “It is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don´t read this notice.”
A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: “It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose.”
In a Namibian nightclub: “Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar.”
In a photo studio in Chitungwiza (Zimbabwe): “Photos taken while you wait”
The Ferrari Formula 1 racing team recently fired their whole pit crew to employ a few young guys from Soweto. This sudden reaction was due to a TV documentary showing how young Sowetans could take a car´s wheels off within 6 seconds, without any fancy equipment. Ferrari soon regretted their decision, however, as the young men not only changed the wheels within 6 seconds, but 12 seconds later the car had been re-sprayed and sold to the McLaren team. Ferrari was still eager to compete in the race and, since they no longer had a Formula 1 car to race with, decided to race a Sowetan minibus taxi complete with an experienced (yet unlicensed) driver and fare collector in the Grand Prix. Of course they easily won the championship, since the minibus weaved its way through the start grid, set off before the lights changed and didn´t bother to change the tyres when they wore out. On the way to victory, the new Ama-Ferrari-Ferrari team also managed to hijack several competitors´ cars, and picked up 35 passengers at some notoriously dangerous spots, including blind rises as well as in the chicane. We can be proud of another SA sporting achievement which will put us at the forefront of sporting history.
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