This means there will be no compression, which means you will have a top speed of one. You’d go faster if you got out and pushed. And you’ll be doing that a lot with your Volvo because the alternator won’t work.
The only good news about this is that by modern standards the P1800 is extremely light. And that’s because it has virtually no safety features. A point that will become blindingly obvious should you ever reach two and hit a tree.
Classic cars are all rubbish. My Mercedes Grosser is rubbish. The Ferrari 250 GTO is rubbish. Even a Lancia Stratos is rubbish. They are typewriters in a computerised world. So why would anyone choose to buy such a thing?
Simple. Anyone who has a classic car hates his wife.
Our friend in the Volvo P1800 is almost certainly a branch secretary of the owners’ club. He will have written to his old school magazine about the appointment and he will spend many hours at night trawling the internet for interesting Volvo titbits. This means he doesn’t have to sit anywhere near his wife of an evening.
When the club meets, he gets to go away for a whole weekend. With a bit of luck, he will break down on the way home and be forced to spend the night in a Travelodge. And that’s excellent too because it means he doesn’t have to sleep with her either.
Furthermore, by driving a 1972 mustard yellow car, he will be seen by other road users as someone a bit unusual. Perhaps someone who writes poetry for a living or is Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs. Consequently, women will give him their telephone numbers at the traffic lights. Or stop to help when he is sitting at the side of the road, exhausted from all the pushing, and looking a bit like Mr Darcy as a result.
Well that’s what he thinks. But, of course, being a classic car enthusiast, he will be wearing shoes like Cornish pasties and Rohan trousers and he will have trouble with his adenoids. Which means he won’t look like Mr Darcy. He’ll look like Man at Millets. And as a result no women will give him their numbers and soon he will stop typing “volvo” into his search engine at night and start typing “vulva” instead.
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