Not that you would assume anything was wrong from the line-up in this year's paddock. There at the front of all the giant motorhomes is Ferrari's; a towering three-storey construction blocking out all the rest from view as you enter. Somewhat ironically, their next door neighbour is a rather drab, single-storey job belonging to the FIA, where Max Mosley, the iconic president of the world governing body at the root of Ferrari's anger, will be calmly sipping at a cup of tea this morning.
Diamonds are forever, Hamilton is not
Poor McLaren Mercedes, who used to command that premium paddock site now given over to their most bitter rivals, are about as far back as it is possible to go without falling into the Mediterranean. They have just as impressive a motorhome - you just can't find it.
Which probably didn't matter much at lunchtime on Thursday when Steinmetz, the prestigious diamond manufacturer which lines up as a team sponsor here in Monaco, held an unveiling of Lewis Hamilton's helmet for the race, embroidered with £200,000 worth of diamonds picking out his number, 1, to denote his status as world champion.
Only one thing missing from the photoshoot, unfortunately, and that was the world champion himself. His self-imposed low profile since the outbreak of the "liargate" episode apparently goes on, so the snappers had to make do with his diamond-encrusted helmet with no world champion head in it.
All bets are off
Even though McLaren are having something of a dire season in every direction, word reaches us that the team's mechanics have reason to be chipper. Seems that they took one look at Jenson Button's Brawn car in pre-season testing and promptly rushed out to place their bets on him winning in Australia, the first grand prix of the season, at very generous odds. They are just a bit nervous that such a show of disloyalty will bring the infamous wrath of McLaren down on them. They shouldn't worry but wonder what the odds are on Button this weekend? Not as good as they were in Australia, no doubt.
Nothing to be depressed about
So the last thing the McLaren boys will want this weekend is something called a depression mattress. Lacking in vital medical knowledge, I take the depression mattress to be the same as the comfy thing I take to bed with a large glass of red each Saturday following another particularly rubbish Middlesbrough result. No? Oh well, not to worry, but just wanted you to know that we are all perfectly safe here. The medical facilities around the track are second to none, although I suspect that much of the high-tech gear will be used more for some of the rather elderly male millionaires who populate Monte Carlo than the drivers.
As well as the usual grand prix equipment, there are also 35 rescusitators around the track and 35 cardio-vascular and breathing kits on hand among the grandstands. So if a heart attack strikes after a particularly successful night with one of the supermodels who patrol the area, no need to worry, help is at hand. At least, they told me they were supermodels.
Thinking of moving?
Strange place this, with its mix of millionaire playboys, supermodels ... and racing drivers, of course. If you take a fancy to it, having watched the race on television on Sunday and decide to up sticks from Woking or Brackley, then there are a few things you need to know before you buy an apartment next door to Jenson Button. First, and most importantly, you need a bank account in Monaco with a deposit of at least 100,000 Euros in it before you can become a resident. You need to live here for six months or more annually and you need private medical cover. And don't forget that last bit because the trackside resuscitators won't be here when the grand prix circus goes home on Monday.
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